Finding Silver Linings

february is one of my favorite months for the simple fact that my older son, nicholas, was born in that month. he's adorable and loving, sweet and warm and starting to go through another round of testing for developmental purposes. he's such a squoosh that it breaks my heart in every possible way that this hurdle of autism or asperger's is part of his life. it's only a hurdle if i make it one, yeah, i know, but late at night, when i'm alone, i think about his life and how difficult it may be for him and i cry. yep. i do. sorry. but i do.

anywho, this month has been the most bittersweet i've had in a bit of awhile. we've had our bunny pass away -- late january, but leading us into february -- and a guinea pig i just bought for my beloved nicholas died in my arms on sunday. a lot of other stuff has come up as well that would bore you to tears, i'm sure, so i won't even go there, but suffice it to say (ooh, nice phrase) this month has been a challenge. and so, what to do? sunday, i was planning to have a friend come by to do a little cooking lesson with her. i was so excited, all i could to was think how cool it would be to be able to do this for people ALL THE TIME. cook for them, cook WITH them, and really indulge that culinary fiend inside of me. it was great prepping for all of it until i woke up, looked out of my window and saw it not just snowing, but SNOWING. my friend called me to let me know she was on the fence about coming by, which totally made sense, then later called to tell me, um, yeah, not gonna happen. we made plans for next weekend (or this coming weekend) and here i was with a bunch of food i would now make for my sons.

we used to do sunday cooking lesson every single weekend. we haven't done that in some time. so, i figured, hey, i'm prepped, why not?

omg...

if everyday was like this day of our cooking, i would give up everything i owned so i could be able to replicate it or pursue it or move into it. even if it sucked one day, i would still do it. nicholas and brandon hung in the kitchen with me for three hours, no joke. we made our marinade to marinate our beef, our dressing to dress our salad, baked our lemon cake, made our rice for fried rice, and cooked, and cooked, and talked, and chopped, and my sons made everything themselves. they were the executive chefs and i was their sous chef. and being their second in command (although i handed out the recipes and spoke direction, showing things here and there) was amazing.

i loved doing this with them. i loved watching them laugh and find joy in cooking with their hearts and souls. i loved spending my afternoon with them, completely in their presence, seeing them goof off and throw flour and eat too much batter and play swords with spatulas. i love seeing my delightful monet nuance his way through his food in nicholas and my passionate picasso chop and stir with abandon in brandon. and, most of all, when i stopped and sighed, saying, "i wish i could take us to europe so we could do a cooking tour through all the amazing countries we love -- france, italy, spain and on to asia", i loved it when they both said, "well, why can't we? that would be great." i love that they have adventure in their souls, not just for food, but for life. it's heartening.

i'm not the best mom. i know that. but my kids?
they're the best kids.
through all the bittersweet weirdness this february has brought us, through all the not listening and clothes left on the floor, the bottom line is, there's no one else i will ever love as much as these two people.
and that's al right with me.
that's completely fantabulous.